Guilt’s room in my heart

My four-year old little guy was running through the house last week and decided to do a face plant on our tiled stairs. I was working outside when he fell and busted his mouth pretty badly, sending 2 teeth through his upper lip and chipping 3. My two teens and husband were in the house at the time, and the little one went to the back door where he had seen me go out just a short time earlier. Not seeing me, he then decided to go find his dad. He was trying to cry, but kept choking on the blood. He was finally able to muster a scream when he got to the hallway leading to my bedroom, where my husband was. His scream drew the immediate attention of my teenage son who, upon seeing all the blood, immediately began yelling which brought out my teenage daughter (who already acts like a mini-mommy to the toddler). My teenage daughter scooped up the little one before my husband could even reach the hallway and immediately dashed into my bedroom with him so that dad could begin first-aid. Meanwhile, my teenage son had come running outside to get me, all the while alternating screaming “Mom!” and my toddler’s name.

Fearing that the little one had followed me out of the house and had fallen in the pool, I dropped everything (literally…I had to go back later and pick everything up) and ran into the house. When I heard that the baby had fallen and was injured I was actually relieved. A cut we could fix…finding him at the bottom of the pool we couldn’t. But then I saw him. His mouth was gushing blood so badly that it had already covered the front of him and was dripping off of his toes. A child who never cried out in pain was now screaming frantically. Fortunately, my years of growing up as a “firehouse brat” took over and I shooed everyone away from him so that I could begin triage. I got him calmed down, got the bleeding stopped, and had just called out for my oldest son to bring me an ice pack to put on it before it started swelling when the baby began shaking. Recognizing immediately that he was going into shock, I calmly told him to bring a blanket with him. With the baby bundled, no longer shaking, and ice on his mouth to help minimize swelling, I was finally able to get a clear assessment of the injury. It was probably going to need stitches and there was a huge chunk of jaw inside his mouth that was flapping around that I wasn’t sure what they would want to do with. I bundled the little one up, and my daughter and I headed for the ER. Intentionally not taking the time to clean him up, his blood-soaked front gained him quick entrance once we got there. The doctor decided not to do stitches since it was a small gash, and they didn’t want to do anything with the inside because they assured me it would heal – irregardless of how badly damaged. Nothing we could do about the 3 chipped teeth except be grateful that they were still even there. No antibiotics, no shots, no nothing. Just reassurance that he would be okay.

I got him back home and settled before going to the grocery store to pick up the customary soft foods (yogurt, ice cream, pudding, etc.). By the time I got myself settled in for the evening, I was utterly spent – emotionally and physically.

The next day his mouth was horribly swollen, so bad I wanted to cry every time I looked at him. He had trouble talking, and if it couldn’t fit through a straw there was no way he could consume it. I noticed right away that he was very clingy…he kept saying that I couldn’t go anywhere because he would worry about me. I tried convincing him that nothing would happen to me, all to no avail. My training in psychology kicked in and I realized that it wasn’t really me he was worried about. He was worried that he would get hurt again, and that I wouldn’t be there – again. Confirmation came that evening when, as I was fixing him yet another milkshake, I told him that I was sorry he got hurt and he replied, “I’m sorry you were too busy outside to help me”. …… OUCH!!! The whole point of telling you all the details of the horror leading up to that point is so that I could tell you, as bad as all of that was, it was nothing…… NOTHING………compared to the pain of those words.Ladies and gentlemen, open heart surgery on a conscious person had just taken place, because I’m pretty sure you could have ripped my heart out and laid it on a slab and it couldn’t have hurt worse than those innocent words spoken in that tiny little voice. I explained to him that I was working outside but that I had run inside as soon as I’d found out he was hurt. He nodded and said “I know”, but I could tell he still felt that I’d abandoned him.

The monster inside that I call “guilt” was kind enough to open a deep, hidden door in my heart that only he knew how to find…a door that I kept guarded so closely that no one else even knew it existed. But guilt found this door and opened it wide, laying the contents bare for me to brood over. You see, this room concealed the guilt that I felt over the one time I DID abandon my son.

January 2nd, 2011. I was at a Brunswick hospital with my mother and we were getting her oncologist reports back. Her cancer had been in remission since October 2010, but she began getting sick on Christmas day and there were concerns her cancer may have come back. Her doctor came in and told us that the cancer was not only back, but that it was already in all of her internal organs and had already made it to her brain. There was nothing we could do. We needed to call in hospice immediately. My aunt cornered the doctor at his desk and asked him point blank “how long are we looking at here?”.  The doctor shrugged and said 4 weeks, 6 at best. 4 weeks. 4 weeks to say goodbye to the woman who had brought me into the world and had played a huge role in the person I was today. 4 weeks to say goodbye to my “partner in crime”, the one I called every day just to chit chat, the one I went to for advice, the one I depended on to support me when the whole world turned against me – even if she thought I was wrong. 4 weeks to say goodbye to my best friend. I called my husband and told him the news, and then told him that I was going home with mom and I wouldn’t be back until she was gone.  With that one sentence, I walked away from a husband and three children. I left my husband to try to work, get the two big kids to school, and take care of the little one…all by himself. I couldn’t think about them, all I could think about was not missing a moment of what little time I had left with my mom. She was gone 3 weeks later.

On the one hand I’m glad I stayed with her, because there were moments in there that I wouldn’t trade for anything. The hugs, the kiss on the forehead that she would give me every night before telling me that I was the best daughter anyone could have, and even the gift of being able to be there and hold her hand when she took her last breath. I hold these memories near and dear in the core of my heart. But the reality that I walked into when I went home after she passed was like a slap in the face. My husband and two big kids had been real troopers. They had tried to carry on as normally as possible without me. Hubby had learned a lot of house cleaning shortcuts and the house was clean when I got there. Daughter had learned to do the laundry. Life had moved on. But the little one….the little one had bad dreams for months about me leaving him again. Every time I went somewhere he asked if I was going to come back.  I gave him constant reassurance and tucked the hurtful, guilt-spawning comments deep inside the darkest room of my heart and locked them away. I’d had no choice, I told myself. What else could I have done? I asked myself over and over again. I thought that as time passed he would forget those 3 weeks, forget that I’d abandoned him, and be reassured as time went by and I was still here.

Apparently, I was wrong. The insecurities lay buried deep in his tiny little heart just as the guilt lays buried in mine. I’ve reconciled myself with the knowledge that, even if I could turn back time, I probably wouldn’t change anything. I would still spend those 3 weeks with my mom, spending every last precious moment with her that I could. I wouldn’t change any of that.  All I can do is feel remorse at the outcome. Try to close the door that guilt opened, and double my efforts to reassure my little guy that I’m here for him. It just hurts me to the core knowing that the fear lies inside of him, that mommy won’t be there if he needs her. How do you fix that?

It’s difficult. It hurts. And it’s exhausting. But he’s worth it. I missed 3 weeks of his growing up and I’ll forever be making up for lost time. I just hope that somewhere along the way my efforts are able to heal his heart, so that I might finally be able to lock the door to the dark room in my heart and throw away the key…. somewhere where guilt will never find it.

What public schools SHOULD be teaching….

I spent most of yesterday morning in a Facebook pissing match with an atheist, me arguing that all students deserved the right to a moment of silence before school to pray or reflect in a manner of their choice and him arguing that ANY type of religious activity violated his beliefs (or lack thereof) and shouldn’t be allowed.  Now, I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about whether or not religious activity belongs in public schools, but my little online tiff with Mr. Atheist did get me thinking about the content of the public school curriculum these days.

I have two school-aged kids, so I’m familiar with what they do and do not teach in schools today. I know that 99% of the school year is focused on drilling into the kids’ minds what information they will need to know for that year’s standardized testing. The other 1% is spent on school functions and field trips. Public schools give the impression, and parents try to convince themselves, that public schools are improving our children and giving them what they need for the real world.

Guess what? WRONG!!!!

First of all, I have issues with the whole standardized testing thing like Florida’s FCATs, but I’ll save that for another posting. What I have an even bigger problem with is what schools aren’t teaching the kids to help prepare them for life. There are some things in life far more important than language, history, science, and even more important than math….things that the last couple of generations have been lacking….things that, if implemented into the public school system, could change the face of society today within just a few short years.

• Respect.I think starting in elementary school kids should have lessons in respect. Teach them not only how to give it, but also how to recognize a lack of it. If they’re taught early on the difference between what is and is not respectful, then we may very well be able to turn around the up and coming society of “me, me, me” self-absorbed, snot-nosed brats.
• Self-esteem. Egos develop early on and insecurities, once rooted, are difficult to extinguish. Again, starting in elementary school, kids should be broken up into small groups where they can have a “what am I good at” or “what makes me special” pep session. This can be doubly productive if the kids are also guided to explore what they’re not good at and then open it up to group discussion on how they can improve themselves.
• The Golden Rule.I know I said I wasn’t going to discuss religion being allowed in schools, but you can teach the Golden Rule without teaching about God. Kids need to learn that their actions and their words affect other people and can hurt them. Role playing scenarios followed by “how did that make you feel?” discussion could go a long way in reducing bullying and other hurtful behaviors.

As students get older, they need to be introduced to additional “life” lessons.

• Relationships. Since 1970, the number of marriages in the United States has decreased by 30% while the number of divorces has increased by 40%. Many people estimate that half of all marriages today will fail. Why? Because a successful marriage takes work and it’s easier to get a divorce than it is to work things out – especially in a society focused on instant gratification. Teaching kids early on what to expect in relationships, good communication skills, and respectful treatment of both parties not only gives them the tools necessary to make future relationships work, but it will also take away the fairytale “if it was meant to be it would be effortless” mentality. Teaching young men about the proper and respectful way to treat a woman, and teaching young women how to tell and handle a guy who is being disrespectful, may help curtail things such as abusive relationships and date rape.
• Perspective. Perspective is the magical thread that kind of ties it all together. When you can take someone else’s perspective, try to see things through their eyes, maybe even give them the benefit of the doubt that there’s more going on than is outwardly apparent, it can completely change how you interact with someone. A wonderful example would be something that happened to me personally while out shopping. I was waiting in line to check out at the grocery store a few years ago and the young couple behind me was complaining about how little personality the cashier seemed to have and how she didn’t really seem “with it”. I watched her and yes, she showed no evidence of being a living human being except that she was moving – no facial expression, didn’t speak, you could look at her and see that she was just NOT there. When I got up to the register I smiled at her but got no response except for her quickly scanning my groceries and bagging them.  Trying to be nice, I softly said, “I hope I’m not being rude, but you look like you’re really not having a good day. I hope it gets better for you.” She stopped, looked up at me and flashed a brief apologetic smile.  “My husband and I split up not long ago. Now I’m a single parent with three kids, I’m a full time student, and I work 2 jobs now so that I can support my kids because he’s not paying child support. I’m doing my best, but I’m exhausted.” and she sighed, and when she did I could practically hear the weight of the world weighing her down. I looked at her for a moment, stunned at the depth of this woman’s predicament, and said the only thing I could think of at the time “Wow. You know, I know it’s hard right now, but you’ll look back on these days and realize that they made you stronger. And you are strong, because most people I know would have given up by now.” I smiled at her and she smiled back and thanked me. I paid my bill, grabbed my groceries, but couldn’t leave without giving a nasty look to the thoughtless couple that had been commenting from behind me in line. Their looks of utter embarrassment only slightly eased the aggravation I felt towards them, but it helped. The use of perspective might have encouraged those individuals to not judge so quickly, to stop and think ‘you know, I’ve looked like that before when I was going through a hard time…maybe she’s going through a hard time too’.  Perspective ties into respect because you have to think of someone else; it ties into the Golden Rule in that it would encourage them to treat those who are having a bad day with patience and understanding since that’s what they themselves would want, and it leads into the next, and most important, thing that should be taught in schools…..
• Tolerance. Tolerance is a tricky thing to teach publicly because it’s not always supported at home. There are a lot of homes out there – black and white – that teach racism and prejudice. There are some religions that teach that certain types of people are bad and should be destroyed. There is evidence of intolerance everywhere in society. Teaching kids in school that everyone has the right to be who they are and that’s okay will without a doubt go against the grain of some parents. But it’s what we need. Tolerance is the key to a civil society. Prejudices will always exist, be they racist or religious or financial, but tolerance will at least teach kids that differences are okay and that just because someone else is different than they are it doesn’t make them a bad person and it certainly doesn’t mean that they deserve to be treated differently.

Teaching kids these few things in school will take time out academics, sure, but it will turn out children that society can be proud of. Students that will make the news because of their upstanding morals and ethics instead of how many of their fellow classmates they killed when they opened fire on campus.

Of course, one of the challenges to getting these lessons into the classroom is that we need to teach these lessons to some of the teachers first.  But, alas, one can hope.

Most recent additions to the “endangered” list – perspective, imagination, and compassion

Ok, so I read the local news online, and often times comment on the story if it’s of particular interest to me. In the last week I have seen several people make roughly the same comment and it’s really starting to p!ss me off.

One comment was regarding a woman whose toddler drowned in their pool. Someone made the comment that this was a horrible parent because they didn’t spend the money on a safety fence around and they should have been able to since it costs more to maintain a pool than the safety fence would have cost. As a pool owner and parent, I can tell you that this is absolute bull! It costs us maybe $25/month to maintain our pool (and it’s a large in-ground pool) but a safety fence around the pool costs over $2,000 – NOT INCLUDING INSTALLATION. When I pointed this out to the original poster, I was then crucified by several people saying that it was obvious that I had no concern about my child’s welfare. Three people even went so far as to say that I should have been able to afford the safety fence if I was able to afford the house, and if I couldn’t then I shouldn’t have bought a house with a pool. What these idiot posters didn’t realize is that the house cost us everything we had and the ONLY way we were able to afford it was because it needed a lot of cosmetic repairs. They also didn’t know that I didn’t want the pool, but this house was the only house that had the amount of space that we needed for our family of five that we could afford. They didn’t know these things. Didn’t know that I was so paranoid about finding my son drowned in the pool that I made him sleep in bed with me for the first month. Didn’t know that I had placed alarms on all the doors so I’d be alerted if he went outside. Didn’t know that at night I placed a baby gate outside his room so that he could get to my room but couldn’t get to any of the doors that led outside. Didn’t know that I had taught him extensively that the pool is dangerous, that he’s not allowed around it without an adult, and that it’s a big “NO-NO” by himself. They didn’t bother to find these things out before judging me and lashing out. Didn’t know…or didn’t care.

After moving past this bunch of idiots, I saw the other comment that sent me over the edge. On my Facebook feed today, our local news station was pointing out that obama was holding a speech today. Someone commented that they were sure it was going to be about mortgages and how the government was going to make mandates that would cost the banks money, which would in turn would result in them raising the fees they charge their customers. This (insert sarcastic tone of voice here) insightful individual (end sarcastic tone) then went on to say that people whose homes are in foreclosure are morons and they should stop spending money on things they can’t afford. OH MY FREAKING GOD I JUST ABOUT CAME UNGLUED!!!

People have lost their jobs. Jobs aren’t there for those who are unemployed. Cost of living has gone up while paychecks have gone down. Gas prices are forcing some people to park their vehicles indefinitely. Bottom line is this – THINGS THAT WERE ONCE AFFORDABLE AREN’T NOW AND IT’S NO ONES FAULT BUT OUR GOVERNMENT. How can you sit there and blame someone for purchasing a home that as little as a couple of years ago might have been easily affordable? How can anyone blame a person for economic down-turns and a dwindling economy? How can you criticize someone for not being able to see into the future?

“Everyone should have at least a year’s worth of bill payments set aside in case they lose their job” – that’s the comeback that some people use. That’s all well and good, but how can you do that when the costs of the bills continue to rise beyond what you have set aside, and when it takes longer than a year to find a job?

The comments those people made were short-sighted, evidence of narrow-minded thinking, and showed an incredible lack of being able to think outside one’s own existence.

Perspective. Imagination. Compassion. These are all elements missing from society today. The ability to consider someone else’s perspective, imagine life from someone else’s standing, and then feel compassion for their challenges. And as the economy gets worse, I fear this will increase and we will produce a generation of cold-hearted, cruel, selfish individuals with no concern for their fellow man or humanity in general.

Why? The Lion in my heart says it’s a lack of God.  People don’t care about the Golden Rule or the 10 Commandments. My mind tells me it’s a lack of morals or ethics. My logic tells me it’s desperation, frustration, and anger from people struggling to survive in a country with a failing economy and government. Collectively, it’s the perfect storm for miserable people, and everyone knows that misery loves company.

Whatever the cause, it’s going to require a perfect storm of positivity to counter it. I don’t have the answers, but here’s praying for thunder.